We’re continuing our six-part series on “Moving Beyond Loneliness.” The fact is that none of us has the perfect connections with the people around us that we’d like to have. This causes us to feel misunderstood or unappreciated. We may even feel that others don’t think we’re doing our part in our relationships with them. There can even be deep loneliness between husbands and wives. There are people who are single, widowed, or divorced who feel that they’re missing a key relationship in their lives. Young people often feel that their peers don’t accept them and that they’re not very popular.
In this series we’re addressing various issues that can help us be better connected to the people God has put around us. Today we’ll look at something we can all learn that will help us in our relationships with others: the art of listening well.
I approach this subject with some fear and trepidation, because I certainly don’t have listening down to an art! I wince at the thought of how many of you might be able to recall an incident when you caught me not doing a very good job of listening. (I always need the message of each sermon I deliver as much as any of you, and this is certainly no exception.) Let’s explore how we can learn the art of listening well.

Hearing but Not Listening
First, it’s important to note the difference between hearing and listening. Most of us can hear, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re listening. I’ve often heard conversations between two people that really weren’t conversations at all. Neither person was listening; they were just waiting until it was their turn to speak. Sometimes they didn’t wait, and just interrupted the other person. Each person’s part of the conversation was hardly connected at all to what the other person had said.
Hearing the sounds of the words someone else is saying isn’t listening; it’s just hearing. Listening is an art: it’s something we learn and something we have to work at.

The Listening Ear of Jesus
We usually think of Jesus as a great teacher — and He was — but He was also a great listener! It’s amazing how often Jesus asked questions, listened to the answers, and responded accordingly. For instance, once He asked His disciples, “Who do people say the son of Man is?” (Matthew 16:13) After the disciples answered, Jesus asked, “But what about you? Who do you say I am?” (Matthew 16:15) I suspect that most sermons about this passage emphasize what the disciples said and then what Jesus said. I’m using it as our main text today for a far more basic reason: it’s an illustration of how Jesus would often ask questions. It shows that Jesus not only spoke well, He listened well!
On another occasion Jesus met a man who had been handicapped for thirty-eight years. Jesus asked him, “Do you want to get well?” The man answered, Jesus listened, and He healed him.
We certainly all count on the fact that God listens; otherwise we wouldn’t bother to pray. Praying is based on the premise that God is listening. If it’s really important to us to be made in the image of God, we’ll want to be like God the Father and His Son Jesus and be good listeners.

Listening Is Loving
We all know the general principle that we’re supposed to love one another. That’s really a very general thing to say — and frankly, it doesn’t mean very much. We need to be really specific: “What does it mean to show love to someone?” One very practical, concrete way of showing love is by listening. Listening is loving!
In the New Testament book of James we’re told, “Take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak . . . .” (James 1:19) In the Old Testament book of Proverbs we read, “He who answers before listening — that is his folly and his shame.” (Proverbs 18:13) If we’re not careful we can end up answering questions that no one’s asking! I suspect that we’ve all been told, after giving someone a lengthy answer to his short question, “That’s not really what I was asking.”
In Paul’s letter to the Galatian Christians in our New Testament he says, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2) How should we interact with another person so that he feels his burden lifted? One way is by simply listening to him. If you really listen to someone pour out his troubles you’ll often get the response, “Thanks for listening. I feel better.”
By the way, this is really important for us men to remember — especially those of us who are married. We men are wired to fix things. If a buddy tells us about a problem he’s having with his car, we know that he’s looking for a solution and we try to offer a suggestion, if we have one. Don’t — I repeat, don’t — do this with your wife! If she’s pouring out her frustration or confusion about something to you, don’t assume that she’s asking for your advice, because chances are that she’s not. If you respond by saying, “OK, if I were you I’d do this and this . . .” you’re going to get a dirty look that in essence is saying, “Why don’t you just shut up and listen?” Listening is very important — and it’s important to do it well.

The Practical Benefits of Listening
People really feel that they’re important and have significance when someone pays attention to them by listening. Our undivided attention is one of the best gifts we can give someone, and the best way to give this gift is by listening. People love to be listened to!
Do you young people want to be popular? Become good listeners! You may not be good at sports or music or anything else that you think really counts for making you popular and accepted, but if you’re a good listener it can go a long way in helping you connect with some of your peers. When we feel that we aren’t popular or accepted, a mistake we often make is going overboard trying to impress others with what we know or can do. This usually only serves to drive people away. Just be a good listener!
No matter what our age, the best way to have friends is to be one — and one of the best ways to be a friend is being a good listener. The same is true in marriages. Generally, wives will complain that their husbands don’t talk enough — but sometimes the problem is that the wife tends to be more verbal and may not allow the husband enough chances to talk. Wives, don’t ask your husbands, “How do you feel about that?” because we men don’t like to talk about our feelings. Ask us instead, “What do you think about that?” We’re more likely to respond then, because if there’s one thing we think we do well, it’s thinking!
Husbands, we need to listen — really listen — to our wives. Sociologist Brad Wilcox was asked, “What makes married women happy?” He replied, “The biggest predictor of women’s happiness is their husband’s emotional engagement. The extent to which he is affectionate, to which he is empathetic, to which he is basically tuned into his wife . . . . We have to recognize that for the average American marriage, it matters a lot more whether the husband is emotionally in tune with his wife than whether he’s doing, say, half the dishes or half the laundry. If the wife had to choose between having a husband who is taking half the housework and having a husband who is really making a conscious, deliberate effort to focus emotionally on his wife, the emotional focus is much more likely to be a paramount concern.” (Christianity Today, October 2006, pp.123-124)
One of the primary reasons a wife may fall prey to being unfaithful is that some other man listens to her and she no longer feels lonely. Husbands, our wives will live in quiet desperation if we don’t provide a loving, listening ear!

Practical Ways to Listen
Let me share a key way we can all listen well. We need to listen between the lines! We’ve all heard the saying “Read between the lines,” but we also need to listen between the lines: that is, listen to what someone means, not just to what he says.
For instance, a wife and mother says in exasperation, “No one around here cares about my needs.” The husband hears this and says, “Kids, did you hear your mother? Stop giving her so much grief, pick up your stuff when you’re told to, and quit fighting among yourselves so much. Tell her thank you once in a while. Got that?” In reality, the mother knows that kids will be kids, so she doesn’t expect a lot from them — and she could get by without much from them if her husband would only show some appreciation. What she’s REALLY getting at is that the “No one” is really him! He’s the one who isn’t showing the appreciation she needs that can only come from him.
For another example, suppose someone says to you, “How could a good God allow a baby to die?” You might be tempted to answer, “Well, Pastor Dave hit on that subject in a recent sermon. He said . . . .” and then you explain how I dealt with the problem of pain and suffering in a recent sermon. DON’T DO THAT! Listen between the lines. Why do you think the person said what they said? It might be good to do what Jesus often did: ask a question. “The subject of a child’s dying seems pretty close to you. Is there a reason you brought up the question?” It’s likely that the person will describe a loss — recent or maybe in the distant past — when a son or daughter or the child of a close friend died. They really aren’t looking for answers from this Christian they’re talking to (who’s you). They’re wondering, perhaps even subconsciously, how you’ll deal with a direct attack and whether they’ll see a hint of a loving, caring God through your response.
When we’re witnessing to our faith, what we say and how we say it may be less important than just being a good listener first — to see what the person’s viewpoint is. It’s often good to simply ask, “What kind of religious background, if any, do you have?” or “What’s your concept of God?” By listening carefully you’ll be able to understand the best way to respond.
We can even encourage those near us to listen better. It’s OK to ask, “Did you hear what I said?” Go ahead: in a moment of frustration with a loved one, ask “Can you repeat what I just said to you?” We have to work with each other to help each other listen well.
One of the best ways to show someone that we’ve heard what they’re saying is by repeating in our own words what they’ve just said. After listening you might say, “In other words, what you’re saying is . . . .” We might also show that we’re listening by responding, “What did you do next?” or “I’ll bet that was really upsetting,” or “What did he say (or do) next?” Asking questions is a good way to practice the art of listening well.

We can assume that everyone around us would like to be better understood and accepted. Even that loudmouth who’s always bragging about his or her achievements is really just reaching out for acceptance. Everyone is burdened to one degree or another by a sense of being lonely or of people not caring. I believe that God is calling us to practice the art of listening well during this coming week! Remember that the Lord gave us two ears and one mouth, and we’re meant to use them in that proportion! Let’s be quick to listen and slow to speak. We can be burden-lifters in people’s lives if we practice the art of listening well. We’ll find ourselves connecting with people in ways that will surprise us! After all, learning the art of listening well is one of the best ways to move beyond loneliness!